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A Miscarriage Story: No More Babies For Me

I know how terribly selfish this will come off simply because of the fact that based on my gender; society expects me to have this inherent desire to bring babies in the world. I know that as woman I am not expected to make any fuss about raising children because I’m a mom and if you ask some folks (read my children’s father) this is what I was born to do, right?

Hello, I’m Opal and will never be the proverbial pregnant and barefoot woman anyone wants me to be. I’ve decided that after two children and a miscarriage I have absolutely no plans to conceive, ever. I would consider having a hysterectomy but I’m pretty sure doing so would have some effect on my self esteem as a woman—guess I’m a girl after all. I’ve recently suffered through a miscarriage but the possibility of having a third child felt like the real trauma. Throughout the duration of the pregnancy I had mixed feelings about having another baby but I was faithful that the dreadful feeling and difficult days would be worth it after giving birth.

I love my kids and all the good that they bring to my life. My two boys are the only reason there were moments of relief after the loss of my third baby. I strongly believe that all children are blessings but I also believe that women should know their limitations. You can’t mention the Duggar family from the TLC’S reality series 19 Kids and Counting without people questioning their reasons for bearing 19 children. I am sure Michelle Duggar has had her fair share of tumultuous days but that could very well be the number of children she is equipped to handle. My number is much lower than nineteen but I think two children suits my current financial and mental disposition.

I’ve been beyond selfless for my two small children but like Jodi’s mom said so eloquently in the movie Baby Boy, “Mama got to have a life, too.” I am not referring to having a life in only a social context. I am no good to my boys when the overwhelmed, exhausted mommy that is too busy being all things at all times that she isn’t allowed more moments where she is allowed to simply just exist and enjoy her children.

The reality of the miscarriage set in and though I was mostly grief stricken I still felt a strong sense of clarity and relief. I have an obscene amount of respect for women like my mother who have enough children to start a basketball team. If you are a parent, then you know what I mean when I say having children requires superhuman levels of patience. Children need a lot of your attention and if you are really good mom then they are going to need you to occasionally interact with them.

Whether you have one child or five the most important part about being a parent is providing your children with a stable environment to thrive in. I’m not sure how anybody else feels about his or her children but I am determined to give my children a fair shot at a valuable life. I want to be able to provide them with all that they need emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve had some overwhelming moments here with just my two children. There were times where I was sure that I would never graduate, never lose the baby weight, never start an emergency savings account, never not be so tired that I can’t play with my kids.

I want to be sure that I can give my children all of the good parts of myself. A mommy that has been relentlessly depleted sometimes loses herself so greatly in the day to day that she tends to forget to revel in the blessing of getting to know and love their creation.

I’ve accepted that I am currently not emotionally built to raise more than the two children I have. I’ve taken a vow to actively take steps to prevent future pregnancies and am not interested in anymore “go for the girl” talk. I cannot say that I was happy to lose the baby but I will say that I was inspired to continue making measurable strides towards creating the best future for the two I have. One of those things happens to be preventing another pregnancy. I think big families are beautiful—in a “Facebook picture of someone else’s big beautiful family that I can click “like” and keep scrolling” kind of way.

Opal Stacie is a freelance writer based out of the Miami area. Connect with her on twitter @OpalStacie.

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